BAND OF ANGELS

Greetings, angels. Another small loss, but it means I'm down another 2.5 pounds from last week, so the total loss is 53 (a quarter of the way to my goal) to 294. This will be a quick post because we leave at noon for Waterloo and Chris's convocation.
I sure hope the athletic building's main gym is air-conditioned, or there will be a puddle under my chair (sweat, in case you were heading in another direction).
And speaking of sweat, Dorothy has a great addition to my workout, which she constantly refines as I become more flexible and mobile.
I have to congratulate her for giving my quads a good dusting. I actually had muscle soreness there for a couple of days. Nothing painful, but I could feel it whenever I walked. Good work, Dorothy.
I am going to do the program tomorrow and keep the quads working. It was great to know that I have muscles that are being used again.
Lis came over and took new pix on Wednesday in the outfit I wore to my surgery, and when she has them downloaded and sends me one of the new ones, I'll have Andy get them online here and you'll be able to see a difference.
Depending on when we get back tonight, I'll blog about the day in Waterloo and how things went. Otherwise, I'll blog tomorrow afternoon, after the workout. Have a wonderful day today and may your worries be lightened. God bless you all. (Heavens, I just reread that and it sounded like a Christmas speech from the Queen. I can hear that polished English uppercrust accent and picture her sitting on a brocade chair or chesterfield in the drawing room!) But I mean it and so will leave it in without rephrasing.

There's not a lot of actual, physical news right now, but I feel like writing, so here goes.
First, I want to thank some special angels (brothers-in-law all) for the CD of ecumenical Christian music, chants and meditation. I'm enjoying it, though the dogs are not impressed with my singing talents. No one ever has been, come to think of it.
I had another great exercise session with Dorothy yesterday, and I'm going to do the program myself tomorrow and Saturday, then next Monday and so on till her busy schedule allows her to take a breather and come over to resume whipping me into shape. Actually, no whips were used or harmed in any session. Still, I am "glowing" (read sweating) when we finish, and I love the cool-down part.
She can see progress, though, and that's the main goal. I'm more flexible and I can feel strength in areas that will really help me with swimming. Warning: I seem to be a lefty during the punching exercise, and I can get more force behind each punch on that side. I have never punched anyone, but it's nice to know I could. Of course, they'd have to be scrunched down so I could connect, but that's just a question of strategy.
Lis was supposed to come over today to shoot pix of me in the red nightgown I wore for the day of surgery, so that all the photos will have me wearing the same thing, the better to show my body's decrease.
I was going to use the word "shrinkage," but that reminded me of a Seinfeld episode and though I've been giggling to myself for a few minutes, I decided to go with another verb. LOL!
This Friday is a big day in our lives: Chris convocates with a BA from UWaterloo, earning a major in computer science and a minor in psychology. We're off to Waterloo in the a.m. because he has to be there early to get into cap and gown, and do all the other things grads must do.
Nat is the only one who will miss it because she's into summatives for the term, which count for 30 per cent of her final mark. Then come the exams. So she can't take a day off. My parents also are coming. It's too much for Andy's dad, what with the long drive there and back, the hours of sitting while everyone gets her/his diploma and then the celebration afterward. But Andy will take lots of pix and we can get one printed for his wall of family photos.
Chris's godparents are "working stiffs" and can't get the time off, which is too bad, but we understand completely. We'll miss them and Nat very much.
I repeat my invitation to anyone who has resolved to get healthier to come and join Dorothy and me in our exercises. It really is fun, and I count it a victory any time I can make her fall over on the couch with laughter. With more of us, we might be able to get her rolling on the floor!
So, please, come share in the fun. The dogs are friendly and leave us alone after everyone has been greeted properly. And I promise to stop sniffing and licking my visitors. Just kidding ... maybe ...
See you next time!

Well, 5.5 years after I turned 50, I have lost 50, or 50.5 pounds, to be precise. I had begun to think I'd never reach this level. This comes precisely 10 weeks after the surgery, plus two weeks on the pre-op menu plan, for a total of 12 weeks.
I must say that I'm relieved, and pleased. Still, I don't think I've hit my sweet spot yet in terms of the correct pressure from my band, so I'm scheduling another appointment for Saturday, June 27 at the lab on North Sheridan Way, just off Winston Churchill.
Everyone will be glad to know that there's no more driving into the city for this, unless there's a drastic change in the clinic's plans.
I also am planning another change: I think I'm getting a little too menu-bound, so I'm going to switch some foods for a few days -- mostly in the protein area. And I'll add cereal, milk and protein powder for breakfast, and stop the yogurt/protein powder for a bit.
The nutritionist told us how sneaky our bodies can be: They can get into a pattern and predict what's going to be eaten, and that can affect the metabolic rate. So every so often you have to give that body a little kick in the pants, so to speak, and pull a switcheroo. My body is very sneaky, so I'm hoping it can't read my mind!
And in another highlight today, Dorothy's home and bringing her exuberance and expertise over this morning. In other words, there will be sweat, and it won't be hers.
But then, she does this all the time and deserves to sit and laugh with me as my muscles tremble and I start to feel as if each minute is an hour.
My knee is much better after a week of gentle treatment, though both get a bit tired on my shower mornings (Mondays and Fridays).
If anyone wants to watch or join us, just email both of us and we can fit you in among the dogs! We have a lot of fun while we're at it.
Have a wonderful weekend, angels, and I pray you will be able to find relief from any stress in your lives.
BTW, if anyone knows of any good meditation/prayer CDs for liberal ecumenical Christians (using inclusive language, of course), would you email me with suggestions?
I wish the Book Room existed in its old form; I always found delight in browsing through all the departments and usually wound up making several purchases.
I've used the Anglican store in a pinch, but I want to make sure it's suitable for the United Church, too. It's hard to tell by looking online at Chapters, though I have a Deepak Chopra CD that I enjoy. Someone needs to develop a mental labyrinth CD, where you can mentally move on into deeper prayerful meditation. Anyway, get in touch with me via email at swimgirl@cogeco.ca with any recommendations. Thanks kindly, and ciao for now.

I went for my third fill today at the clinic, where they added 0.5ccs to the 5ccs I already had. Nancy, who does this job, said that it would be easier than adding another full cc because of the problem I had the last time.
As usual, I was weighed and I have now lost 49.5 pounds. Half a pound since Friday. You think I could reach 50? No way. I better have hit that by this Friday. I refuse to measure this in ounces. So, today I'll have full fluids, and softer food tomorrow, then back to the regular menu on Wednesday.
At least my next fills, which I schedule myself, will be done on the one Saturday each month that Nancy will be at the lab on North Sheridan Way, just off Winston Churchill. If this fill isn't enough to hit that "sweet spot," I'll book another fill for June 27. With any luck, this fill or the next will be the final one. Even if not, I can still save gas and get them done close to home. That's a huge relief.
I haven't got much to add except that Dorothy had me really sweating last Friday with the five-pound weights. I was feeling so mentally cocky by the exercise that, when I went to bed, I got on the old way -- putting my bent left knee on first and then sitting.
Halfway through this, I realized I wasn't using my stool and that my left knee was hurting. My momentum carried me through the whole motion, so the damage was already done.
Saturday, I could barely walk without that knee buckling, even with the walker. I wondered if I'd make it up the stairs at night, because I'd barely made it down that morning. Sunday was much the same, and I had trouble straightening my leg.
The knee's still sore and apt to wobble, but I think it's slowly healing. I know I can't damage cartilage that no longer exists, but there are ligaments to consider. It just seemed so natural a movement, out of my past, and I never thought of the knees.
I won't be doing that again!

Well, I cracked the 300 barrier and now stand, or sit, at 298 pounds.
I had hoped to lose three pounds so I could have lost a total of 50, but I'm at 49 after losing two more this week. Rats, as Snoopy would say.
This will be a short blog because my personal trainer (PT, aka Dorothy), is coming by shortly to continue her wonderful efforts to mold me into a new shape.
Sometimes the only way I remember to breathe while working out is if we're laughing, because that forces the air out, and you pretty much have to take more in or you die. Luckily, we laugh a lot.
Of course, holding five-pound weights straight out at what should be shoulder height -- but for me was more of a wobble effect, like a dodo trying to fly -- felt like the death of several muscles.
And to think I enjoy the torture! Not enough to binge on it, though.
I guess it's time for Lis to haul out her camera again to record for posterity (does that have the same root as posterior?) the changes that may be starting to show in my appearance.
I have noticed a few differences: My face is thinner, my rings are looser (and so I've put many away), my behind gets that deadened feeling from sitting too long in one spot (the fat used to provide excellent padding), my arms can get closer to my body when they hang, my right leg is not retaining water any more, I can stand without rocking myself for momentum to heave myself to my feet, my breathing has improved and the arms of my desk chair don't cut into my sides now. There's actually space there.
These changes won't all show up on camera, but they are positive signs, and I appreciate every one of them.
Just as I appreciate every one of you!

I've found with this blog that there are some things I have to leave out, such as personal issues. This is hard to separate from the eating changes in my life because I'm feeling all the negativity that I used to binge to relieve. Now I'm so overwhelmed by some things and the emotions they engender that I need to write about them, but I have no outlet, really. Some things are from my childhood, others are from my teens and more are from my later years.
So, I will be setting up a private blog just for me, where I can rant and rail and say whatever I want without fear of judgment or getting hurt. When I can share any observations on my emotions without creating chaos, I will include them here, because this is a part of my journey, too.
Now, an analysis of my time off: I need more time. I didn't get to spend any more time with Andy than as if he were at work. He had things to do, relatives to visit, dogs to walk, a few chores and lots of naps to take (he's always at the point of exhaustion, which has me constantly worried about his health). The same time lack of opportunity applies to the kids: They have their lives and aren't interested in just chatting. Part of it is that I am an imprisoned extrovert who needs direct contact. The rest of my family are introverts, who need to spend lots of time alone in their lairs to recharge their batteries. And Nat needs to nap, too.
Zeke and I are the only two who have the same wiring. If I were healthier and my knees would take it, I'd walk the legs off both of us.
I also never got to the pool. My lengthy lunch time and Andy's naps meant the timing was never right. I will have to wait until I can get myself there. I like that better anyway because then I can do what I want and not have to worry that I'm forcing someone to sit around and wait. I can go with my own timetable and that's a freedom I haven't had for a long time. The limitations in my life right now and for the past five years go way beyond merely the physical.
I wore shorts to my fill appointment last week, but my abdomen hangs down too much still, and puts pressure on my knees. As a result, they hurt a lot and I was very uncomfortable. So it's still nightgowns at home and dresses or skirts for going out. I'll be glad when that particular limitation is gone. My knees are too fragile to take the punishment. Of course, the weight that's coming off is from all over, but it starts at the top and the last part to go will be from my midsection, where I need it to come off the fastest.
At that point, I'll need to have all the excess skin removed because it, too, will bother my knees and keep my mobility at a less-than-acceptable level. My next goal, though, is to be able to drive again. I need to have 1.5 to 2 inches space between my stomach and the steering wheel to be safe, but I don't know what that will translate to in pounds lost. It just depends where the losses are centred.
My sleep habits still need improving. I find it hard with Andy's alarm going off so early, but if I'm at a deep enough level of sleep, I can get past it till my alarm goes off at 7.
Tomorrow I'll be writing email apologies to my kids for all the things I've done wrong during their lives (they don't like to sit and just talk, so I'm forced to go electronic, which doesn't allow for give and take, or for facial expressions to be seen, but what can I do?).
And neither of them is good at talking about their feelings, while I really like to do that, to hear others' thoughts and to share on a deeper level. Otherwise, I feel shut out.
Introverts are very hard to live with for an extrovert who leads with her heart. Maybe extroverts are losing the battle in the computer age; statistics used to say that 75 per cent of people were extroverts. It's the opposite in our house, and maybe it's a trend. You can mask feelings much more easily on a computer than in person. I use mine to communicate, but my communications are most often social ones, not simply for business or the imparting of data.
As for my other goal, to read my Montgomery bio, I haven't even started it yet. There were too many emotions at play last week for me to have the serenity to begin it. I spent a lot of my time reliving conversations and trying to come to grips with personal issues. It was often frustrating and I ended up more frazzled than I began the week.
I think the emotions caused by not being at the wedding were so pervasive that they set the tone for the rest of the week, and I couldn't find a quiet place inside myself to relax and let go. I was, and still am, tense. I assume this will fade, being ever the optimist. I don't like feeling alone mentally. I go over and over the same things in my mind, like a stuck record. I am determined to do a lot more praying, but there are always phones, dogs wanting attention and other disturbances that interrupt any decent length of time for me to devote to my inner well-being. I need more quiet in my day, which is harder to get than I would have thought. Having Chris home is a delight, but I've lost the time I had all alone during the day when Nat's in school. I need to use the mornings when he's in bed, otherwise I won't get any spiritual work done. I like privacy for that, and I like to sing a bit and even talk out loud. But there are things I don't want overheard, so my luxury time is curtailed now.
So, I need a plan, and today I'll try to get my spontaneous time organized. How's that for an oxymoron?

Well, first the good news and then all the drama of earlier in the week with my second fill.
As usual, I weigh myself on Fridays, and I am down five more pounds, so that's 47 to date, leaving me at 300!!!! And who would ever think reaching 300 was a great achievement???
Now, to the fill: I had 2ccs of saline added to the 4ccs from my first fill, and the water I had to drink afterward went down very slowly. In fact, I felt like a clogged sink where every so often a bubble bursts at the top and a little bit of water goes down the drain. But everyone in the waiting room seemed to be feeling the same pinch from their fills, so homeward we went.
I was supposed to be on full fluids for the rest of the day, so Andy heated me some soup for lunch. It took almost 40 minutes to get down 4 oz, and then my mouth started producing as much saliva as a Newfoundland, which was followed by the soup just slithering back up and out.
There was no real vomiting, but I felt extreme pressure in the middle of my breastbone -- apparently that's what heartburn is like, but I'd never had it before.
I called the clinic and asked to come back on Wednesday for a defill, but as it turned out, the clinic was open that night because of a medical lecture. So, back we headed in the early evening to get 1cc removed. Everyone's stomach is actually a different size, and it seems mine needs smaller increments of saline or I can't eat.
That meant Wednesday was also a day on fluids, and I didn't eat solid food till Thursday. I found I couldn't finish a cup of food before I felt full, which is when I get that feeling of pressure in my chest.
So lunch yesterday was less than 4 oz of tuna, plus a small strawberry, grape, cherry and pineapple piece. As my grandmother used to say, I was full as a tick.
I was up all Wednesday night watching -- from West Coast channels -- the TV shows I'd missed because of the playoff game. Decades of working nights at the Globe, especially in Sports, mean that once I'm past 2 a.m., I'm too awake to go to bed before 6 or 7, which is when I'd normally get up. So I slept most of Thursday afternoon, had a total of about 6 to 7 oz of tuna, hummus, and pumpkin and sunflower seeds for dinner, then watched the game and had a small yogurt with added protein powder as an evening snack.
I was in bed at 12:30 a.m., much to my delight, because I beat Zeke to my pillow and was all settled by the time he realized I was in bed. He usually goes up with Andy, but I think he was just too tuckered to move after running at the leash free in all that horrible heat and humidity.
Poor Purdy came home and laid blissfully on the living room vent to suck up the AC.
I haven't done much this week -- I was very depressed on the weekend at not being at my niece's wedding. I was so envious of everyone who went, and I cried when I heard details of it all because I've made an effort to stay in touch with my U.S. relatives, and those who have had little contact were there without me!
Our kids haven't been eager to sit and chat. They disappear to their downstairs lairs unless they are foraging for food.
I discovered that when I am that depressed, I get back my old food thoughts, and I want to just binge. The frustrating thing is that I can eat junk food, but only a few ounces of it. Hardly makes it worthwhile, so I just have to feel these emotions.
In the past, I'd hop in the car and go to a restaurant or to the grocery store and stock up on fat and sugar. Let me tell you, I was darn frustrated this week about that outlet being gone, even though I knew it was a blessing.
So, the addiction always will lurk inside, but it won't get a chance to run my life any more. I will be like a recovered alcoholic in a way. I always will have the disease, but, in my case, I won't be able to backslide because of the band. I have to endure all my feelings now, rather than bury them with food, or I have to write out my pain.
(Note: I may set up a private blog elsewhere so I can vent that way. I find it more satisfying to type because it's much faster and I can give more details than on a written page. Plus it's easier on the hands and I can keep pace with my thoughts.)
At some point, if I want to, I can add a little food decadence back into my life on a special occasion -- a few fries with some protein, or a piece of dessert, but it will all need to fit within the total 8 oz. And apparently my love of pasta will forever be unrequited now, but at least I will be able to have the sauce and the veggies. Gluten means the pasta has a hard time making it through the band hole, and one woman at the clinic this week was saying that even gluten-free bread or pasta was now not passing for her.
I gave bread and pasta up in the pre-op eating plan, and didn't go back because I thought it would be harder to give them up a second time when I hit the point where I couldn't get them down any more.
I go for my third fill on June 2, and we'll see if 1cc is okay, or if I will have only 0.5ccs added. And if I'm really lucky, I might hit my sweet spot after only three fills.
In the meantime, if I get any major acceptable thoughts during the weekend, I will blog. Otherwise, I'll be writing again at the beginning of the week. As Morar would say: Blessings!

I have to say I'm a bit down about not losing vast blobs of fat since my first fill, but then I've had some changes in my daily habits that I think have affected me.
Because I've not gone to bed some nights, or gone for only three hours sleep, I've napped during the day, thus missing entire meal times and/or snack times. So I've been sending poor messages to my metabolic system, and it needs the routine of regular sustenance back again.
I had resolved to go to bed early last night with Andy away, but I got to doing jigsaws on the computer and finally crashed at 5:30 a.m.
I got up this afternoon at 3:45, and I haven't taken my pills yet or had anything to eat. This will change as soon as I finish this blog.
I have my next fill on Tuesday and I imagine it will be at least 2ccs,
so because I'll be back on a system, with exercising in the morning just for that extra kick early, rather than doing it later in the day or evening, I should be able to jump-start my metabolism again and then the losses should return.
I've also become a bit scale obsessed, and that's dangerous for an addict because we'll start to starve ourselves just to see the scale go down. The danger is that, at my age, the metabolism shuts down right away and it's even harder to get it fired back up again. So no yo-yo eating for me. It never worked before.
If I find I'm getting too anxious over this, I'll reduce my weight checking to every two weeks, or even to every month. At least I know I can control this habit now, and I know what to do to correct it. And, most important, I am correcting it.
No more of the past for me!

The past two weeks have been very hard on me physically and mentally.
I have had several anxiety attacks and three panic attacks, plus there was the pneumonia. It still lingers as a cough, and I'm continually blowing my nose. I am about to move on to my next box of Kleenex. I'd like to get this bug gone.
When I get like this, I know my body is trying to get my attention. It seems all I have done for almost two months is concentrate on my stomach and food. Now other parts of me want some attention. I have to be able to sleep again. I have to be here for my family, and that can be rewarding and tiring at the same time. I want to escape my housebound prison a few times.
So, I'll be back here Friday to report on what's happening re my weight. In the meantime, I'm going to do Dorothy's program at home here by myself for this week and the next. It helps to focus my mind and keep me strong. I will do it at least every other day.
We all need a break. Andy will be here next week after our niece's wedding, and I can report on my second fill, which happens Tuesday.
I will get my bathing suit out and see if it has rotted or if I can still use it. If so, I may have Andy take me to the pool for a brief swim during lengths time.
I want to read the biography of L.M. Montgomery without having to put the book down for a nap or other distraction. I want to meditate with some CDs I have. I want to do a lot more praying.
I want the weather to be cool enough for no bugs and no sweat, but I'd like some sunshine.
I want to be offline most of the time. I want to get this darn Sleep Number king-sized mattress sold before we have to make payments on it in June. I want maybe to go to the leash-free and watch the dogs run. I want to actually spend time with my family here. I want to pretend we have no phones.
So please bear with me. I may get a few chores done that I've been wanting to get finished for a long time, especially if the mattress sells and I can gain a room back.
But you'll still hear from me Friday and next Tuesday, at the very least. I won't be far away, just far enough to adjust my perspective a little. Remember the old TVs with horizontal and vertical hold buttons? Well, I feel as if I have been flipping non-stop for quite some time. I can see a lot of you out there nodding your heads in agreement!
So have a great rest of the week, enjoy the long weekend, and take time for your own priorities. If we can't look after ourselves, we can't help anyone else. I charge you all to go forth and laugh through each day as much as you can. Go a little crazy -- it's good for us all.
And again, blessings to all of you for your kindness and your understanding. Peace be with you.

it's pneumonia. Huge thanks to Bonnee for taking me to OTMH early this a.m. for what I hoped would be a quick trip to emerg and then downtown for my seminar and first fill.
All was promising at first: The room was pretty much empty. I got into the back part almost right away, then had to wait more than 30 minutes for a doctor.
After the usual "breathe deeply" while he listened to both lungs, front and back, he sent me for X-rays. More waiting, then back to my room, which was labelled "pediatric" and gave me a sense of youth again, despite the slight fever I had and the stifling mask I was wearing.
The diagnosis was a moderate case of pneumonia, just as I actually was getting my appetite back, and so my first fill and seminar have been put off till Monday May 4 at 11.
The second fill comes after our niece's wedding, and Andy has some days off, so he can take me for 10:30 a.m. on Tuesday, May 19. The third fill is now Tuesday June 2 at 10:30.
The doctor was surprised that my slight cough and sinus and ear drainage developed so quickly into pneumonia, but I guess when I do something, I do it all the way.
So I have to take two horse pills once a day, at lunch (the pharmacist said at my biggest meal of the day, but I don't have one of those any more), so I have to chop them to smaller bits and sip them down before eating, because I can't drink for an hour after a meal.
I've noticed it's the little things I used to take for granted that surprise me the most, such as swallowing pills without having a battle strategy.
Anyway, I got only three hours sleep last night with all the coughing and a slight fever, and then Zeke got antsy and decided we all needed to play on the bed at 4 a.m. He went out with Andy and then we got 40 minutes more sleep till Andy's alarm went off before five.
I was feeling so lousy that I decided to get up before six, and called poor Bonnee at seven. I was determined that the doctor would find nothing but a spring cold and I'd be released in time for the seminar. No such luck.
At least Bonnee had the foresight to bring a book so that eased her boredom somewhat, but this was not how she needed to spend any part of her day. Bless her for being there for me, though.
I guess I'll have to rest -- I'm feeling very tired -- eat lunch and take those pills. And I won't be doing too much because I want the fever to vamoose. I didn't wear a coat today because I was too hot, and I was sweating like a fiend by the time I got home.
I'm feeling kind of slow right now, so I will go rest myself and try to keep from going into coughing fits. I absolutely long to have a hot bath, but the knees won't let me get down and get back up again. I am not a shower person; I love my baths and it's been three years without them.
I can't use hot tubs because the heat raises BP, messes with my diabetes and gives me heat rash. But if a soaker Jacuzzi with water jets should pass my way, I'll have Chris rope it and wrangle it upstairs. It will be all mine, and I shall read books and lie in scented water while my body gets massaged by the swirling bubbles.
And with that, my angels, I will now ensconce myself on the couch.