BAND OF ANGELS

I am sick, too sick to have my caregiver help me shower and, worse, too sick to have Dorothy put me through my body work.
Saturday, when it got so hot, I slept on the couch because it was so stuffy in the bedroom. We need to clean the AC outside and put in new furnace filters, so I had some fans going instead.
Then I must have been sweating so badly that when that blessed cool weather returned the next morning, I caught a chill. Either that or a virus caught me.
Yesterday, I had a mini-cough all day and didn't feel well.
Today, I had to get Nat to turn off my alarm because I didn't even want to get up, but I had two calls to make and I needed to take my pills. She very kindly heated my mug of water and lemon juice in the microwave so I could just collapse in a chair and take my meds.
After my second call, to poor Dorothy, who had to listen to me gag as I coughed, I checked email and decided to write this so people will know I won't be online much today.
It's going to be a blistering day, which means Andy will be suffering, too, and I am just going to drink fluids, take Tylenol as needed, and nap as much as I can. The furnace fan is on to help keep the house cool and I won't be opening any windows to let that horrible smoggy air in.
Humidity and heat are dreadful things to me. I can't wait to drop about 50 more pounds and be able to swim at the Ridge at 11:30 each day. I wonder how long it will take me to work up to my daily two hours? The knees are the key here.
Anyway, for 24 hours I must live with this despicable weather and then more cool air returns. So I'll be shivering and/or sweating on the couch today, sipping fluids and snuggling under my Leaf fleece when I get the shivers, and turning on my personal fan when I'm as hot as boiling water.
The weather, now that I think about it, is acting menopausal. I thought I was past living through most of those symptoms.
Maybe the whole Earth is menopausal, and is fed up with fools. If so, we'd all better move pretty darn quickly to save the planet we're destroying so carelessly and arrogantly.
In the meantime, I will keep my bug to myself and hope to be improved enough for my first fill on Wednesday. If you find a spare moment, please say a small prayer for that. Thank you.

I must say I was disappointed to weigh myself this morning and discover that I'm still 315. Sigh. I was slowing fairly quickly as solids became my menu, but I had hoped for more pounds lost, even though the binder says not to expect weight loss on solids till after a few fills.
I wanted to be the exception. Patience is not one of my strong points, which is why, in the past, I'd starve myself to get that scale dropping again. In reality, all I was doing was slowing my metabolism as my body thought, "Uh, oh, we'd better store everything as fat because it looks like famine ahead."
I have to get over the mindset that a week without pounds slipping away is not a failure. And the fact that I feel hungry even after eating means that I'm simply not restricted by the band yet.
Having the fill will mean having to eat more slowly, thus giving the stomach time to get a signal to the brain that it is full.
Also, I must stop eating when I get that signal, whether I'm finished or not. Hopefully my stomach and brain will become better friends and communicate more frequently. They obviously need relationship therapy! :O I wonder if Morar does this?
So, that's the end-of-the-week news. Next Wednesday, Bonnee and I head off on our seminar and fill adventure. I must remember to get a stainless-steel water container before then, as drinking is part of the test to make sure I am not restricted too much, plus I need to drink lots of water daily.
The fill itself takes about a minute, then you sit up and sip some water. All being well, you rest for another 15 or so minutes and then head home, where it's fluids for the rest of the day, and maybe even a couple more as you add solids in gradually.
The feeling of tightness will be more pronounced, so good things should result. I'm trying to take it one day or even just one minute at a time.
I'm not sure I'll ever lose my impatience completely, but I'll sure give it my best. I think this is another of God's jokes on me.

I owe Dorothy and Lis an enormous amount of thanks for all the hard work they put in today -- six hours -- just to clean my kitchen, living and dining rooms.
They found more fur than all five of our dogs could have ever worn. And yet, there it was. Plus there were two dimes, old baby toys that were Nat's and one of Purdy's rocks (I'm not sure whether it's her Muskoka one or the one we brought back from Victoria five years ago for her).
Missing nylon bones appeared (Purdy hides her toys; she may not be able to retrieve them, but no one else can, either) and Zeke was more than happy to eat all the Milkbones found under the stove or pantry or fridge, or anywhere else Lis dug them up, no matter how stale or old they may have been.
Dorothy was surprised to find only one spider (they are now either upstairs or in the basement) and no other bugs (same deal). Oakville is the most spidery place I've ever lived, so I'm amazed, too.
Bonnee dropped in for a while and lent her hands to the effort as long as she could. Thanks for your valuable help, Bonnee, and I'll see you next week for the first fill.
Dorothy found a part for Andy's drill that was missing from his set. The drill is a bit of a joke between them. He'll love the pun, which was unintentional. The worse they are, the better he likes them. Please don't add to his repertoire.
I stayed out of their way -- there really was no place to put me -- upstairs in the bedroom. I even caught a nice nap. Zeke loved all the action and had his nose everywhere, even in the fur bag, where he'd come back out wearing some of it around his head. Lis had to then return it to the bag. Purdy remained in the family room, trying to pretend the nightmare wasn't happening. She hates vacuums.
I think Dorothy lost about 10 pounds today and Lis looked as if she'd played three overtime periods. What gems they are!
I am doing my guilt thing very well today. This was a mega-job. I haven't been able to clean for about three or more years, and the home team is, shall we say, not good at clearing from their own end.
I am having a small anxiety attack at the moment; the stress is from having others do my cleaning and seeing how dirty the house was, and from wanting to attack other areas myself and not having the physical ability to do so, nor being able to infuse my teammates with the same desire for order that I have.
So, with profuse thanks again, I hope Lis and Dorothy are indulging in long, hot baths, with books to read and someone to bring them cool drinks and give them a massage for those aching muscles.
And they should not have to prepare dinner or clean up after. They should be pampered, as if they were at an expensive spa. I promise, if I ever win one of those weekends at a spa for four, I know who I'm taking.
Bless you all.

I want to send a big thank you to the dancers, organizers and other talented people who performed last night at the church. It was very kind of you to support me by donating all the ticket money to repay the church fund in my name. And thanks to all who attended, as well.
I was there, too, in a rather good disguise. My mind travels places that my body can't get to yet.
Last night, I sent my best thoughts to you all, plus a bonus, a wee bit of money to help the cause. I had sold some items Saturday that allowed me to "treat" Andy to the event and to buy a ticket for me, as well.
So thank you all again for your hard work and kindness. You are extraordinary people.

Good morning, everyone. Today is Friday, so it's stats day.
I lost 3.5 more pounds in the past week, reaching 315, for a total of 32 since I begin the pre-op menu five weeks ago.
As expected, the introduction of solids has slowed my weight loss after a big drop last week, but considering I haven't had my first fill yet, I'm content.
I didn't take any BP or diabetes meds at all Thursday (I slept in past noon because, ahem, I had watched late hockey games Wednesday night and then had got distracted by a couple of really late shows).
So, despite needing to do morning tests right after rising, today was shower day and then I got my breakfast ready before my legs gave out. In other words, despite only three hours of sleep last night (more hockey etc. What can I say?) and after being up for 90 minutes this a.m., my glucose reading came in at 7.8, not bad when you consider the no-meds factor from the day before. I then took my full meds after the test, as usual.
I'll have to drop my readings a bit lower before all diabetes meds are gone, but this journey is coming along, too.
All in all, a good way to end the week. And more hockey tonight!

Well, after one day on solid foods, I have come to a couple of conclusions, taught to me by my body (I'm finally listening to it).
I moved my dinner back to 5 p.m. so I could adhere to the advice not to have any grain or starchy veg after that time.
Well, that moved my snack earlier, too, so I was hungry earlier, about 7:30. I had a snack then, but because I was staying up late to catch all four hockey games, I got hungry at midnight, and I had three hours to go (I have time-shift cable, so I can catch Bones and the CSIs from the West Coast if there's an early East Coast game).
I had two of my rye crisps, which are Ryevita, and they are quite thick when compared to melba toast. I added the advised amount of pure peanut butter and munched away happily.
Unfortunately, when I drank an hour later, I felt very full, almost to the point of discomfort, but not quite. I watched another show to let my bottom stomach push the food through, because I didn't want to lie down and then fixate on having a possible backup.
So today, dinner goes back to 6, the snack moves further into the evening and no matter how late the games go, I will simply sip water.
My binder says we're all different in our responses, and I can see where the suggestions are not rules writ in stone but merely good guidelines.
It also tells me that this phase on full food before the fills begin will leave me feeling hungry sometimes. There's not much to do except to sip water all day, except for 60 minutes after meals, and to live through it. The stomach can't always be trusted.
So this will be the hardest stage in its own way because I really wasn't hungry for more liquid or more baby food during those phases. It was more like aversion therapy for me. Now that some of the good stuff is allowed, though in very tiny portions, my stomach likes this part and will send signals to keep it coming, while bypassing the brain!
But I am no longer going to listen to false pleas for food, and I will read a book and push the mute button during any commercial for pizza or other edible thing that I like. I never thought I'd wish for more beer commercials, but there it is. They're so stupid that I never pay attention to them anyway. And beer gives me a headache, so when I feel like one once or twice a year, I drink the dealcoholized kind. It gives me the taste without any of the bad stuff.
And let's bring on more car and cleaning ads -- I love to ignore them. Unless, of course, it's a new low-gas van that has all the fixings, but that doesn't produce hunger -- it produces envy and desire. Those I can deal with; I've never, ever wanted to eat a vehicle!
In the meantime, it's back to hockey, hockey, hockey. And that's never a bad thing.

The first refers to my opening day on solid food. Hurray! I got to have a quarter cup of Rice Krispies, with half a cup of skim milk and half a scoop of whey protein powder sprinkled in (vanilla flavour).
For lunch, it's 2 oz mashed potatoes, 2 oz tuna and two slices of tomato.
There's no drinking now till one hour after eating (up to now, the limit was 30 minutes). That's because liquid dilutes the effect of the food on the stomach, making it pass through more quickly and thus counteracting the "full" feeling.
I have to have dinner now around 5 p.m. because the clinic's binder of information advises no grains or starchy vegetables after that time.
So dinner tonight will be 1 cup of cream of vegetable or broccoli soup, plus hummus and peeled cucumber.
Snacks are half a medium fruit, skin off as needed, and 2 oz yogurt (half a little container) or a protein (usually whey powder mixed in yogurt, or peanut butter on a rye crisp). Fruit and low-fat cheese is also an option. I love cheese, and hate the rubbery slices that are no-fat. I'm going to have Andy go prowling through Whole Foods and see if they have a reasonable cheese that has real taste.
If I am too full from my evening meal, I will bypass the night snack and keep sipping my Crystal Light water.
And now, the last time I'll try this. I have been trying to avoid watching the food commercials that swamp the TV at night, but the DQ Blizzard with sprinkles of truffles finally got to me. I had Andy bring me a small one as a test, and I was disappointed. That was a good thing. It showed me that the picture in the ad is way more appealing than the actual thing, and so the dogs lucked out and got to eat half of it between them. Needless to say, they thought it was sublime.
So I'm not letting them drive and use my debit card or we'd be flooded with junk food, probably all hamburgers.
However, it was good to get that out of my system. I can resist Keg ads, and if I want fish I can cook it instead of heading to Red Lobster. And hamburgers don't appeal to me.
All in all, I probably had 6 oz of melted ice cream and a few teaspoons of tiny pieces of chocolate on top. They look like half a truffle in the ad, but you can't tell what they are by eating them.
So that was another good indication that I'm slowly getting used to adhering to the menu plan and don't actually find pleasure any more in indulging myself. Praise be.
In an odd way, the more restrictive the band, the freer I'll be from my eating disorder. And I am feeling strong enough to accept that weight loss will be slow as I go on solids, though the daily totals are small enough that, with a high weight, I will have a few more weeks with a slightly higher weight loss than average. Most people don't lose any weight before their first fill, so I have been fortunate.
I also learned that after each fill I am to have only liquids for the rest of the day, which makes sense. It will be interesting to see how many fills I need to reach the right restriction for me not to feel hungry on the meal plan but to still lose weight. The clinic recommends losing one to two pounds a week while adhering to the eating guide. Some people hit the right spot on their first fill; others need up to seven. I already have three fills scheduled.
And now I am supposed to drink a small cup of warm water with the juice of a quarter lemon first thing in the morning to loosen the band a bit. That makes breakfast easier. Because of that, I didn't have to crush all my pills this morning, only the large ones. I took the small ones with the lemon water. It made things a fair bit easier.

Today is my second-last day on baby food. I can't wait for solid food, and certain parts of my anatomy are growing restless, too.
I don't know what happened during the surgery, but I think my intestines were straightened, and so as soon as mush hits the lower stomach, the noises that erupt from the garbarator become quite loud, enough to disturb an entire classroom were I a teacher.
I'm never sure where I should position myself - on the commode, beside it or within a few yards.
Now, with my knees, a few yards may as well be 10 or 20, because dashing is not in my vocabulary these days. Lurching is more like it. The gurgling is hard to interpret. It could mean I have a couple of hours while things percolate along, or it could be the beginning of an eruption.
One thing I'm sure of: The intestines want better material to work with. Yogurt, soup (unstrained), protein shakes and baby fruit are no longer acceptable donations. These guys mean business!
So, one more day to endure, and then I'm eased into regular food. But very small amounts, and still lots of yogurt and shakes. I'm hoping we can reach an agreement: I'll provide something better to work with, and they won't be so eager to prove how efficient they are at getting rid of whatever comes down the pipes.
Luckily, Dorothy came over to run me through a fairly mild program, and I was able to take my mind off my inner workings. Tomorrow,
we'll try to do a little more.
I'm still very sore along my sides, even though my almost-healed slits are inches away from where I feel the pain, and I feel pulling in places where I didn't expect to feel anything. However, the clinic did tell me that there's stitching inside me that will eventually disappear. They are not the dissolving kind of sutures but something that gradually absorbs into the flesh. That's probably why I'm feeling pulling in odd places.
And it's also why they say it takes at least five weeks for the areas near the band to heal, for the band to get really set in place, and why the first fill doesn't take place till then.
I guess I've been looking on the outside and seeing the changes, and have expected the inside to keep up. Hmmmm ... I think I've got the message.
But, in outside terms, my right leg has lost the puffiness that appeared during the day. That's directly related to blood sugar. It's still in the right range, but I will test at different times of the day once I get on solids. That will give me a better idea of how soon I can drop another medicine, in consultation with my doctor.
I have to be stabilized and have had my third fill for the true readings to be analyzed. Maybe then I'll even be able to see what prescription I should have for my eyes.
Right now, though, everything's in a state of flux.

Easter has always held mixed emotions for me: sadness, gratefulness, joy -- and uncertainty.
This year, I feel the first three, but not the last. Oh, life still throws curveballs from all directions, but I no longer am struggling to try to make human sense out of an unjust death 2,000 years ago or so.
I have found a deeper meaning now. I see your sacrifice giving rise to my new life, freeing me from doom. You are living examples of the Easter story. You gave me another chance, without hesitation, even though it came with great sacrifice.
You loved me without knowing me, in many cases. You support me as I gain strength. You inspire me to hold to my principles in all areas of my life.
Because I am stronger, the most important relationship in my life has gained strength, and that is perhaps one of the best gifts I could have received.
I am me, and I'm learning, very slowly, to begin to like me, even if I don't love myself yet. This lesson has been one I never learned. I didn't see myself for who or what I am. I saw only the reflections that came from others. Some of these reflections were like the mirrors in a fun house -- what I saw and felt was distorted. It became so ingrained that I took what I was shown as reality. I let the distortions hide the truth.
Now I'm starting to see past them, to see how I see my real self. And I like it. I like being able to wipe away the darkness that is still out there. And I will see a clearer reflection of the truth every day now. The darkness has begun to lose its hold on me and the light is pushing it further away.
This Easter Sunday, I am seeing how the light will win, with God's help. It is a remarkable thing for me, learning to see my own truth, my real truth.
Easter is a more blessed event to me now. God gave me you to show me the goodness in the world, and the goodness in me. Bless you all for being my guides away from the shadows that distort, and for leading me gently along a life-affirming path.

With today being Good Friday (I really think the "good" is a misnomer, although I understand the theological reasons behind it), I really do have some other good news.
I got on the scale as per my usual schedule, and I weighed 318.5! That means I've lost almost 30 pounds (1.5 away) since the pre-op menu.
Of course, I've had such a strict regimen that, at my original weight, results were bound to be exceptional at the start. However, that doesn't take away from my appreciation.
And you, my angels, are helping me every day to improve in so many ways. I've made very good friends, apparently my journey has helped others (this is just such a humbling bonus) and I've had lots of unpublished (through email) and published comments from others about how they can relate to my various predicaments and appreciate my being so open about them.
And something I've noticed: All my commenters have been women. It doesn't surprise me; I know there are men out there who know what's happening through their wives, and maybe they even read the blog themselves, but it's usually the female of the species who responds.
And I love having a new sisterhood to belong to. I have three by birth and now a batch more. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
People tell me how strong I am, yet in a host of ways I feel weak and unable to defend myself. But there's been some movement there, too. I can say "no" now. I can refuse to let something beat me down. I can stand up for myself. I feel much freer from the past.
I know the future is not going to be perfect, but I can handle obstacles better. I am not afraid any more of being assertive. It's way better than being passive, which has literally almost killed me, nor is it aggressive. The healthy choice, as I learned in a terrific outpatient program at OTMH, is assertiveness.
Despite all this, I know there still will be tears because crying is an outlet for me, as it is for many, but I know that gradually the anger and other damaging emotions for me are being funnelled to a healthier place, and not to my stomach. I also find meditation tapes good for calming the mind and healing the spirit.
When I need to really spew, I have certain friends to do that with, and I have Andy.
For all this, and for Maple Grove and its friends, I am inordinately grateful. Thank you for listening and understanding. I thank God for you every day, and I always will. You don't have to have wings to be an angel to someone else.